Six

You have a way of persuading my thoughts and taking over my mind – it is coercion. Somehow, you have programmed me to believe that you have my best interest in mind and that my long-term happiness is your long-term goal. But you betray me. You see, all you ever do is force me to second-guess myself. Some days, I don’t know who I am because you convince me I am someone I am not. Most days, I cannot trust my emotions because you make me feel so many of them at once. Is there any way you can quiet down in there, please?

You never shut up. You talk and talk and I listen and listen. I listen because I trust you. I trust you because I have to. You say that I am not strong enough. You say that no one can stand to be around me long enough to put up with my constant need to feel loved and wanted. You say no one can stand my mood swings or my destabilizing impulsive nature. You say no one can stand my insecure sense of self or my inability to let go of the past. You say no one can stand my intense fear of abandonment or my need to play victim all the time. You say a lot so I hurt a lot.

I need a second opinion.

They never shut up. They talk and talk and I listen and listen. I listen because I trust them. I trust them because I am taught to. They say my behaviours can be scientifically explained. They say there are reasons for why I emote the way I do, act the way I do and think the way I do. They say with some medication and weekly intervention, I’ll be okay. They say that there are ways to cope. They say I can learn to be normal instead of continuing to be abnormal. They say it is not my fault, that my brain is wired a specific way and that my past is partly to blame. They say that my emotions are possessive and that if I try hard enough, I will learn to control them instead of allowing them to control me. They say a lot so I hurt a lot.

Six years later and yet time has found a way to stand still.

dxf